chasing kites

i should be turning in for the night. i have work in a couple of hours.

except that… i have all these emotions running through me right now.

there are days when i am very bad with words. these days are usually when they matter the most; when i really, really want to say something and have people get what it is i’m trying to express.

days that i’m afraid i’ll say them wrong and then no one except me will understand what it is i wanted to put down. because it means to much to get it right. to reach out and say: hey. you mean the world to me.

i had a conversation with one of my longest and oldest friends earlier yesterday aftenoon. she and i have known each other since we were kids hammering out songs on two different pianos in an auditorium that is there still, but not quite the same. our conversation went like this:

Her: one song can change you
not everyone gets to go to narnia
you know
some of us get to listen to a song
or a band
or read something
and get transformed
while being in the same place
it may take months?
but it’s pretty much
the equivalent of any change you can find in a story book
i don’t know if i’m making sense
but

Me: no you are
and i am a mess at work
haha my makeup
(don’t say sorry)

Her: i just know that things can change you
when people can’t reach you

Me: (i put this on so that the damn thing could be ruined)

Her: ahahah, make-up
there is nothing wrong or weird with wanting to tell them
that their song made things happen for you
there is nothing wrong with having to sing it
there is nothing wrong with being touched

=====

months ago, a health scare in the family got me thinking: it’s been over a decade, noelle grace. maybe you’ve got it all wrong. maybe you… maybe you’re pushing for something too hard. something that’s not meant to happen. maybe you should just stop and give up. set aside that keyboard. put away the words you match to the white and black keys.

and then. well. hey. the universe throws a curveball in the guise of five amazing boys. and then something somehow clicks into place. and you realize: you can’t. not yet.

how can you when you see them push and push and go out there, focused on their dreams. how can you say that you find them that amazing and not try.

again. and again. and again. until you get to where you need to be.

so, yeah. no cover this week from me.

just a thank you. and a song.

=====

[original] “SALISI”
music: Noelle Pico ; lyrics: Noelle Pico, Mags Forto

just like a wake-up call two seconds too soon
when i am startled out of sleeping and washed over in blue
and my heart’s chasing this unnamed, fleeting feeling
that’s gone off there with the evening
as the sun peeks all over you

and like a half-remembered dream i keep on thinking
that i’ve messed up all the details that brought together truth
and this ‘we’ of ours, a word left untranslated
i wish i’d seen it, i would have seized it
freeze-framed it so i wouldn’t have had to fall

it was all sleight of hand, accidental trick,
this crime of opportunity,
my pockets emptied of affections
i cannot really afford to really feel
and what is worse is i can’t blame you,
i can’t get mad or even shame you
for an unintended something
that neither of us would have known

and i wonder do you see a half-made memory of me
your eyes, that smile, your voice – calling out my name
and i — i wonder how it’s fair at all to want to say goodbye

we’ll chalk it up to déjà vu
this love from me
to the ghost of you
and me and everything
that we could have
ever tried to be

let’s not define ourselves
by what we’re not,
maybe one day
we’ll time it right
but for now let’s breathe
and let go
at the count of three